Can a Zombie Run a Business from Home?

The undead don’t exactly scream “entrepreneurial spirit,” yet there they are, shuffling around the home office with minimal motivation, half-heartedly trying to get things done. This zombie is barely functional, driven by habit more than ambition, operating with a hazy focus and dragging through tasks as if each click or email is a monumental effort. It’s business, zombie-style: slow, almost dead, but somehow still…working.

So, can a creature of half-baked energy and foggy thinking really manage a business from the comfort of their decaying couch? Let’s take a closer look at how a zombie might operate. Can they set up their barely-passable workspace? Can they manage client expectations with all the enthusiasm of a near-corpse?

Creating a Workspace for the Half-Awake

A zombie’s workspace would look as lifeless as they feel. Motivation? Minimal. Organization? Laughable. Still, some setup is necessary to keep them from simply sitting there, staring blankly at a screen. Zombies are known for their lack of zest, so they need a workspace that accommodates their unhurried pace and low energy levels.

A Desk as Bland as the Dead

Forget about ergonomic chairs or colorful organizers. A zombie’s desk setup is purely functional. In fact, they likely pulled a table from another room and plopped it down, thinking, “Good enough.” Any sense of organization would be abandoned after the first few days, as they slump into routine, barely even noticing the clutter piling up.

• A chair that’s more like a barely-used couch, slouched and sunken, reflecting the zombie’s lack of energy to even sit upright.
• Papers strewn across the desk, some months old, because “filing” feels about as daunting as climbing a mountain.
• A half-functioning lamp with a dull light, perfect for a zombie who couldn’t care less about proper lighting but needs just enough to see the keyboard.

Minimalist Tech Setup

Zombies don’t care about tech upgrades. They’re still using an ancient computer that whirs and sputters with every command, much like the zombie themselves. The screen is cracked, and the keyboard is grimy from countless sluggish finger taps.

• A keyboard with keys that stick from coffee spills (because they forget not to drink it), slowing them down even more.
• A barely-functioning monitor with a strange, murky glow that matches their mood, showing documents that haven’t been closed in months.
• Headphones that sometimes work, necessary for those rare moments of focus, but otherwise left dangling off the desk, ignored and gathering dust.

A Setup for the Half-Hearted

The entire workspace looks like it’s teetering on the edge of a landfill, with just enough order to be functional but nothing that screams “efficiency.” This is a setup as tired as the zombie themselves, and the minimal amount of thought put into it shows.

• A stack of paperwork stuffed in the corner, too messy to be sorted and too daunting to be thrown away.
• Sticky notes crumpled and barely legible, written with reminders they only half-remember.
• Coffee mugs with remnants of drinks they don’t remember making, lining the edge of the desk like a sad parade of unfinished thoughts.

Managing Tasks with a Dead-Eyed Stare

Once the zombie manages to sit down, staring at their screen with zero enthusiasm, they face the daunting task of actually working. Every task feels like an eternity, and motivation is as rare as a good night’s sleep. They operate by habit, forcing themselves through each step in the most lifeless way possible.

A Slow, Unenthusiastic Routine

Zombies can barely muster a sense of urgency. For them, a routine is less about productivity and more about going through the motions. It’s a sluggish, forced progression through tasks, with each email and document feeling like an eternity.

• Morning “start”: stumbling to the desk, cracking fingers and creaking joints, as they open email with the energy of a snail.
• Hourly pauses to sit in blank contemplation, staring at the wall or the monitor without processing anything. It’s a time-killer, a habit born out of sheer lack of enthusiasm.
• Pushing through a few tasks, each one slow and painful, before taking another unearned break. They’re moving, but barely.

A To-Do List They Barely Remember

If the zombie has a to-do list, it’s probably filled with items they keep forgetting about, left over from last week or last month. They work through the list slowly, ticking off one or two things a day, mostly just to feel a small, dull sense of “progress.”

• Notes on the to-do list that are so vague, even the zombie struggles to remember what they meant: “Check that thing,” “Send the file,” “Finish...something.”
• Only completing tasks when they’re absolutely unavoidable, inching forward at a glacial pace.
• Moving half-finished tasks from one list to the next, barely aware of how long they’ve been dragging them along.

The Art of Procrastination by Habit

With all their lack of motivation, procrastination is a zombie’s best friend. They’ll work, but only just enough to avoid complete chaos. The art of pushing things off until the last possible moment defines their daily “productivity.”

• They leave emails unanswered for days, only responding when they get a second or third follow-up.
• Documents sit in draft mode for so long they forget the original purpose of the document.
• Every project feels half-finished, done in barely-useable drafts that sit untouched until a deadline forces action.

Communication at Zombie Speed

Client communication for a zombie is as lifeless as their energy levels. They approach emails, calls, and other forms of contact with minimal enthusiasm. The idea of networking or fostering connections feels like a drag, and every message they send has the same flat, uninspired tone.

Emails: The Bare Minimum

Zombie emails are brief, half-thought-out responses that barely answer client questions. Each message is typed slowly, with the kind of sluggishness that makes it obvious the sender is functioning on autopilot.

• One-line responses that answer the question in the least energetic way possible, leaving little room for follow-up.
• Typos that go uncorrected, because rereading or caring about grammar feels like too much effort.
• Delayed responses that give the impression they’ve been forgotten, only for the zombie to stumble upon them days later and hit “send.”

Calls as an Energy Drain

If they have to be on a call, it’s clear they’re counting down the seconds until it’s over. The zombie’s voice is flat, and their interest level is barely detectable. It’s a necessary evil, and they do the absolute minimum to get through it.

• Responding with “uh-huh” and “sure” to keep things moving, without giving any real input.
• Rarely asking questions, with long silences that make the call awkward but bearable.
• Exiting the call the moment they can, with little regard for follow-up or summarizing the discussion.

Social Media Presence (Barely)

If a zombie has a business presence online, it’s barely noticeable. Posts are rare, captions are uninspired, and any interaction is limited. They might remember to post occasionally, but it’s clear they’re doing it out of habit rather than interest.

• Posts that go up only every few weeks, filled with uninspired captions and generic content.
• Repetitive images or updates that don’t show much thought, like photos of the same corner of their desk or random stock photos.
• No engagement with comments or messages, as they ignore or forget to check for responses.

Customer Service in Zombie Mode

Customer service from a zombie is less about attentiveness and more about simply keeping things afloat. They don’t aim to impress; they aim to avoid disaster. It’s a system that runs with just enough effort to prevent collapse, but not enough to inspire loyalty.

Slow, Detached Responses

The zombie’s approach to customer service is almost indifferent. They respond only when necessary and give the bare minimum information to keep things moving. Every question feels like a nuisance, and every answer is given reluctantly.

• Responses that are polite but empty, lacking any real personality or warmth.
• Messages that barely address the client’s issue, just enough to move on to the next task.
• Long response times, with emails that sit for days before being answered with short replies.

Handling Complaints Without Emotion

Complaints are handled in the most robotic way possible. A zombie won’t argue or try to solve things in any special way; they’ll just go through the process and move on. It’s customer service that feels like a dead end, with no attempt at connection.

• Simple, straightforward corrections, done with no apology or explanation.
• Bland, scripted responses that avoid taking any real responsibility.
• A willingness to concede or give discounts just to end the interaction quickly.

Staying in Business (Somehow)

For all their lack of motivation, zombies have a strange way of persisting. They might lack drive, but they’re consistent, sticking to their routines even if they’re not ambitious about it. It’s this steady, if lifeless, commitment that keeps them going—even if they’re barely awake while doing it.

Running a business from home for a zombie is less about thriving and more about survival. It’s a slow, uninspired crawl through each day, but somehow, work gets done, clients are handled, and the business chugs along, zombie-style.